My current spiritual journey began with a bushel basket full of pesky questions and a commitment.
About two years ago, I found myself at a spiritual crossroads. My husband and I attended church almost weekly, and I had read the Bible from cover to cover, along with shelves full of books on religion and spirituality. Yet I still found myself asking the “big” or “ultimate” questions. What do I actually believe about God and why? What is God’s purpose for my life? What are my values, or what should they be? How do I live my life in a way that is consistent with my beliefs and values?
Several factors led to this renewed questioning. The transition in focus and priorities prompted by my retirement. The “time is limited” epiphany that comes with being 60-something, losing loved ones and developing chronic health problems myself. Questions about faith and a church’s true purpose raised by reading the Bible and serving on my congregation’s evangelism committee. The internal tug-of-war over my own values brought on by the increasing divisiveness and polarization in our society.
My commitment: Develop a better understanding of God, so I can fulfill God’s purpose for my life, discern what my values should be and live accordingly.
I engaged a spiritual director to help me sort through my basket of “ultimate” questions, challenge all kinds of dogma from the spiritual and religious to the political and ideological, and reorder my beliefs and values as necessary. For the past two years, we have met monthly for one-hour sessions. She offers a variety of suggestions for homework assignments, allowing me to choose which ones I might find most helpful, and she recommends various reading materials as well.
It’s important for me to point out that seeing a spiritual director has not replaced going to church. Spiritual direction is a one-on-one partnership in which one Christian helps another grow in a personal relationship with God. It’s a supplement to – rather than a substitute for – church.
One of the first questions my spiritual director asked me was, “Have you ever questioned the existence of God?” She didn’t flinch when I said, “Oh yeah. More than once.” For most of my life, I had leaned toward the idea that there probably is a God. Yet, nagging doubts continued to creep in from time to time. I didn’t voice them to anyone, though. If the Christians around me ever doubted God’s existence, they certainly weren’t letting on.
I confessed that what I really wanted was the “blinding light” experience the Apostle Paul had on the road to Damascus, or the burning bush Moses encountered. I wanted to be like those people who saw the blinding light or the burning bush, just knew what they knew about God, and had their mission in life spelled out for them. Well, the blinding light hasn’t happened for me – at least not yet. But what has happened is nearly as amazing.
I started spending more time outside. Dismissing the existence of a deity is tempting when so many people who claim to speak in God’s name spew hatred for their neighbors while committing assorted hypocrisies and evil deeds. Denying God’s existence gets even easier when watching one terrible event after another unfold on the news. But I’ve found it almost impossible to deny the existence of a Creator when I’m outdoors with evidence of God all around me.
Because the natural world constantly reassures me of God’s existence, I’ve discovered that going outside is something I can easily do whenever I encounter those pesky doubts. I can watch sunsets. Listen to cicadas. Smell some flowers. Feel the breeze against my face. Take a walk. Dig around in the dirt and plant flowers or veggies. Experience evidence of God with all my senses. Immersing myself in nature’s majesty continually reminds me there is an ultimate Creator.
Once I discovered a reliable way to address my occasional doubts about God’s existence, it was time for the next step in my spiritual direction journey – improving my conscious contact with God. For the past year, I’ve been exploring a variety of prayer techniques. Among them: morning meditation, nature prayer, prayers of petition and intercession, prayers of thanksgiving, writing and journaling as a form of prayer and practicing better mindfulness in church. While I’ve used some of these prayer techniques off and on for years, I’ve committed to doing them on a more regular, disciplined basis.
As I’ve engaged in nature prayer, I’ve acquired a new hobby – photography. I even invested in a new camera recommended to me by the author of From My Window, a blog featuring amazing nature photography (link HERE). The Canon PowerShot SX720 HS camera is a simple “point-and-shoot,” but it has a 40X zoom, which has allowed me to capture stunning close-up photos of birds and other wildlife. I’ll be sharing more of my favorites on my own blog in the coming months.
1 Corinthians 6:19 reminds us that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and my medical adventures of the past year have sent an unmistakable message that I need to take better care of mine. Toward that end, I’ve been experimenting with recipes designed to make my healthy eating plan more enticing. After much adjusting and tweaking of ingredients, I’ve managed to come up with a few recipes that are worth sharing, so I’ll be doing that from time to time as well.
So what’s next as I continue my spiritual journey?
Part of my initial motivation for seeking spiritual direction was the extreme level of vitriol permeating our society in recent years, and the stressful impact all the fighting has had in my personal life. I must say I’m dreading the 2020 election season here in the U.S. I’ve begun to suspect I’m part of an “exhausted majority” of folks who feel pressured to take sides in the Culture Wars, but at the same time, I don’t fit neatly into either the left-wing progressive or the right-wing conservative camp. As the increasingly polarized positions have hardened, and the endless bickering has begun to penetrate every area of our lives, common sense seems to have flown out the window.
This situation has prompted me to ask: What are my own beliefs about the hot-button issues that consume our nation’s culture warriors and what is my role as a Christian in fighting or mitigating society’s political battles? How do I engage people who disagree with me, while keeping in mind God’s commandment to love my neighbor as myself? Even if we think someone’s values are totally wrong, how do we as Christians change hearts and minds if we demonize certain people and won’t have anything to do with them? And perhaps more importantly, how do I avoid becoming part of the problem as our society grows ever more partisan and angry? I will be exploring these issues and questions with my spiritual director in the coming year.
Time to fasten my seatbelt and embark on the next leg of my spiritual journey.