Category Archives: Spiritual direction

Spiritual direction: Moving beyond survival

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As the new year gets underway, I’m looking forward to beginning another year of spiritual direction.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, spiritual direction is a partnership in which one Christian helps another grow in a personal relationship with God, usually through regular one-on-one meetings. The meetings are tailored to each individual’s needs and can include anything from scripture study, prayer and reflection to discernment, goal setting and accountability. My husband Pete and I have been working with specially-trained Dominican Sisters. It’s important to point out that, for us, spiritual direction has been a supplement to – rather than a substitute for – church. 

Several factors led me to seek such direction – the transition in focus and priorities prompted by my retirement; the “time is limited” epiphany that comes with aging, losing loved ones and developing chronic health problems; and the internal tug-of-war over my personal values brought on by the increasing divisiveness and polarization in our society. When Pete saw how much I was benefitting from the process, he decided to embark on a spiritual direction journey of his own.

I can’t help but regard this decision as a “God thing” that came at exactly the right time for us. Since beginning spiritual direction, Pete and I have lost what feels like an unbearably long list of loved ones. COVID-19 upended our lives relentlessly for the better part of two years. Just as everyone else was emerging from the pandemic, we got hit with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis (Pete) and the aftermath of a heart attack (me). As we struggled to cope with a world turned upside down, spiritual direction proved to be exactly what the doctor ordered.

Where I’ve been

I began my own spiritual direction journey by learning how to address those pesky doubts about God’s existence that creep up from time to time – mostly by going outside and immersing myself in nature, which constantly reassures me of the presence of a Creator. I’ve also explored a variety of prayer techniques ranging from meditation, prayers of petition/intercession, prayers of thanksgiving and nature prayer to writing, photography or journaling as forms of prayer.

After about three years of spiritual direction, Pete and I decided to try something completely new and became Dominican Associates – lay people who embrace the Dominican Sisters’ traditions of prayer, study, community and ministry. Associates may undertake individual volunteer ministries in their own churches/parishes and communities, or they may join the Sisters in their ministries by providing logistical support. As the Dominican Sisters told us during our training sessions (and I just love this): Associates “respond to God’s call to share the Gospel by preaching it through the witness of their lives.”

One of the Sisters’ activities that proved particularly attractive to Pete and me was their efforts to combat racism, and we decided to join their anti-racism task force’s Associates Committee. Our involvement in this group, which brings together people of different races to discuss how to address racism both in ourselves and in our society’s institutions, has proven to be an amazing learning experience.

Another of my commitments as an Associate has involved doing my part to preserve and protect the environment through my own habits, such as better recycling, environmentally-friendly gardening and lawn care, creating flower beds for pollinators and reducing our household’s use of fossil fuels. We’ve had extensive landscaping work done – turning our flower beds into a welcome center for hummingbirds, bees and butterflies. As a bonus, the yard is looking beautiful! I like to think of this project as “God’s work, our hands,” and have found gardening to be enormously therapeutic.

Other goals I’ve worked on as part of spiritual direction have included taking a more intentional look at our finances and investment decisions, and – of all things – decluttering.

Our financial “inventory” started with Pete and I updating our wills and power-of-attorney documents, something we’d been putting off. Then we established a donor-advised fund with our local community foundation in honor of Pete’s parents and mine, and have begun making small grants to community organizations that address food insecurity, social justice issues or environmental causes. We also engaged a faith-based organization whose financial advisors are helping us find investment opportunities that match our values.

Decluttering may seem like a trivial goal in the face of everything else we’re dealing with right now, but when the house is a mess, the rest of my life starts to feel unmanageable. Taming clutter is one small thing I can do to feel less helpless when life gets chaotic. My first spiritual director recommended I devote one hour each weekday to sorting through the physical clutter in our house. Alas, I still haven’t achieved my dream of a perfectly clean house with a place for everything and everything in its place, but our house does stay looking at least presentable most of the time.

Where I am now

I like to think of 2024 as a “year of emergence” for us. After what seemed like an endless siege of homebound isolation – first because of the pandemic and then because of our health issues – we’ve been able to return to in-person church services and get-togethers with family and friends, and we’re up to our eyeballs in volunteer commitments.

We help keep our church’s micro pantry filled with food we either buy with generous grant money or pick up from food drives conducted by various civic groups around the community. I’ve taken on the role of chairing our congregation’s community service committee, and I’ve been asked to serve on the church council beginning in 2025. We’re about to begin our fourth year of leading Sundays@6, an adult faith formation class which meets on Zoom. We’ve continued our involvement in the Dominican Sisters’ anti-racism associates’ committee.

While self-care, by necessity, continues to be a major overriding concern, I no longer think of “self-care” simply in terms of buying myself a new outfit or spending a day at the spa. It’s meant putting together a competent medical team and learning to be assertive with health care professionals. Over the past year, we’ve assembled a good medical team that can help both of us get the ongoing physical care we need. We’ve also worked on making our home more handicapped-accessible.

1 Corinthians 6:19 reminds us that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and my recent medical adventures have sent an unmistakable message that I need to take better care of mine. My heart – quite literally – is telling me I really, really need to establish better eating habits and a sustainable exercise program, which can also help nurse Pete back to health as he joins me in these things.

I’ve made “emotional health” a priority as well. One might say this was the year I took off the pasted-on smile. In the aftermath of the pandemic and our medical issues, I struggled to establish new routines and ward off exhaustion, depression and despair. Serenity and gratitude are great, of course, but I’ve decided what I really need is to be in touch with all my emotions. Being able to acknowledge when I’m not fine and to reach out for help is essential.

Given our ongoing medical issues, I’ve slowly begun to accept that our lives aren’t going “back to normal” – that is, pre-2022, let alone pre-pandemic – anytime soon. If ever. So how do I continue to keep my most important priorities front and center in the face of our changed reality? Given the nerve-wracking unpredictablity Pete and I live with these days, and the frequency with which my priorities end up sidelined or completely hijacked, I’ve asked myself this question more than once: “Is it even worth it to have priorities, set goals or plan ahead at all?”

It has helped to remind myself that recent years have seen worthwhile accomplishments, despite the barriers created by the pandemic and our ongoing health issues. We’ve continued spiritual direction. Created pollinator beds in our backyard. Set up the donor-advised fund with the community foundation. Led the adult faith formation group at our church. Participated in the anti-racism task force. Maintained my blog and continued to work on my book.

Perhaps the biggest challenge has been learning to live with uncertainty as I adjust to the limitations posed by medical and disability issues, seek appropriate help, and learn to appreciate those ordinary days one day at a time in the face of not knowing what’s coming next. I’ve leaned on the Serenity Prayer more times than I can count: “God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

When facing uncertainty, the Holden Village Prayer of Good Courage has also been especially helpful: “Oh God, you have called your servants to ventures of which we cannot see the ending, by paths as yet untrodden, through perils unknown. Give us faith to go out with good courage, not knowing where we go, but only that your hand is leading us and your love supporting us, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

Where next?

So what’s ahead as I continue my spiritual direction journey in 2025?

In previous years, I’ve tended to create a fairly lengthy list of goals – lists that got seriously hijacked as health issues intervened and dominated our lives. My spiritual director has suggested I select no more than one or two areas to focus on – much more realistic, I would agree.

Okay, so I came up with three goals rather than one or two. But a couple of them are a continuation of things I’ve been working on already. Here’s where I want to focus my attention in the coming year:

Emotional and spiritual health. Because our physical health issues at this point are chronic rather than curable, keeping our heads above water is going to present a challenge for my husband and me going forward. Nevertheless, we want our lives to move from merely surviving to thriving. Hopefully, with God’s help, our continued spiritual direction work can be a key part of making that happen.

All three spiritual directors we’ve worked with so far have coped with cancer and other debilitating or disabling chronic conditions, and it has been inspiring to see the ways they’ve been able to contribute to their communities in spite of their challenges. Our first two spiritual directors are now, sadly, deceased. But they continued to do God’s work right up to the end, and Pete and I have been impressed enough to say to each other, “We want to be like that.”

My writing. I also want to focus more sustained attention on my writing, especially my book-in-progress. From age 10 onward, I’ve dreamed of writing a book. Almost 60 years later, that goal is … still on my bucket list. I have nearly two dozen excerpts written and need to stay motivated so I can make real progress on the book. I want to keep working on my blog. I’ve known since grade school that writing would play some role in my life’s purpose, whatever that turned out to be. I do consider my writing ability to be a gift from God that should not be wasted. 

Discernment. Finally, I want to focus more attention on the discernment process that led me to embark on this spiritual direction journey to begin with. What is God’s purpose or plan for my life going forward? How do I live my life in a way that is consistent with my beliefs and values? What are my own beliefs about the hot-button issues that consume our nation’s culture warriors? What is my role as a Christian in fighting or mitigating society’s problems and political battles?

From the beginning, I have been questioning all kinds of dogma, from the spiritual and religious to the political and ideological. This “deconstruction/reconstruction” work started with questioning a lot of things I thought I knew, along with beliefs and values other people – whether liberal or conservative – want me to hold. I want to continue developing a belief/value system that both my rational mind and my conscience can accept, rather than simply parroting a set of values and beliefs that will let me fit in chameleon-like with my peers.

This discernment process has gotten sidetracked several times, so I do want to make an especially conscientious effort this year to overcome my inertia – and fear, perhaps – so I can stay on track in this vital area.

Whatever happens in the days, weeks or months ahead – especially with our medical issues – I’m asking God for courage, wisdom, healing and hope for both Pete and me as we move forward. Meanwhile I can remind myself, in the words of the 23rd Psalm, “I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.”

Clutter is a spiritual issue

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When I began spiritual direction several years ago, one of the first assignments my spiritual director suggested was to come up with an image that best symbolized my current spiritual condition.

A vivid image came to mind almost immediately. I saw myself buried under an avalanche of clutter – piles and piles of papers and boxes and boxes of miscellaneous stuff. I transferred the image in my head to the computer screen using Photoshop. (I always love a good excuse to play with Photoshop.) I promptly named the image Clutter Mountain.

As I created this image, I realized the clutter in my life consisted of more than paper and other physical items. I tossed a to-do list onto the pile, and added a computer with the words “Click Bait” on the screen. I threw in a bag of chips to symbolize my all too frequent stress-eating. Underneath the papers and boxes, I placed several boulders with labels on them – fear, resentment, pain – to represent the steady stream of anxieties and other intrusive thoughts that kept me awake at night and pre-occupied during the day. I added some baggage for good measure.

Sticking out of the pile were my arms, which juggled several balls in the air – family, friends, volunteer work, the house. I added a rope to represent the tug-of-war over my time and my personal values caused by competing demands and continual conflict. Some of the balls had dropped and rested on the ground at the bottom of the heap – my writing, self-care, God.

I remember wondering how God would react to the image I’d just created – was I about to provoke a bolt of lightning? Then I reminded myself that God already knew what was going on and might even be glad to see me acknowledge the reality of my life at the time.

When I showed the image to my spiritual director, I half expected her to supply some relevant Bible verses about the Godliness of cleanliness and self-discipline. Instead, she looked the graphic over for a moment, then asked, “What stands out for you?”

I pointed out the “God ball” at the foot of the clutter pile. God was there, of course, but after creating this image, I could see very clearly how clutter blocked my spiritual path.

For my next homework assignment, my spiritual director challenged me to identify all the different kinds of clutter clogging up my life. I made this list:

  • Physical clutter. Piles of paper covered nearly every surface in my office. My closets bulged with clothes and shoes, some of which I hadn’t worn in years. Boxes and boxes and boxes marked “miscellaneous” remained stashed in the basement from our last move more than seven years earlier. And I didn’t even like to think about the mess in the garage.
  • Computer clutter. I could spend hours at my computer playing solitaire, mindlessly surfing the Internet, responding to click bait that sucked me into celebrity gossip, reading “news” articles about political name-calling, and getting locked into fights about culture war issues with friends, relatives and even total strangers on Facebook.
  • Calendar clutter. Some of the commitments on my calendar truly mattered to me – “date nights” with my husband, visits with family or friends, community volunteer work. But too many of the other commitments overwhelming my schedule had crept onto my to-do list because I couldn’t seem to say “no” to people.
  • Nutritional clutter. Junk food temptations beckoned constantly. Supermarkets and even so-called health food stores offered cereal with sugar as the first ingredient, highly processed trans-fat-laden “dinners” I could pop into the microwave, and whole aisles of cookies and candy. Restaurant buffets, family gatherings and church potlucks featured entire tables of desserts.
  • Mental and emotional clutter. Finally, there was the steady stream of anxieties, regrets, unresolved conflicts, grudges and resentments that kept me pre-occupied during the day and awake at night. These seemed to be hindering my spiritual growth most of all.

The list reinforced for me that all this clutter was indeed a spiritual issue. When I put junk food into my body – the temple of the Holy Spirit – it clogged my arteries and accumulated as extra pounds around my waist. The mindless Internet-surfing and solitaire games sucked hours and hours out of my day that could have been better spent connecting with other people, taking a walk, or doing just about anything else. Endless ruminating about resentments interfered with my ability to love my neighbors as myself. Excessive trivial demands on my time zapped energy needed for genuinely important commitments. And when the physical clutter in my house was out of control, my whole life felt out of control.

Sometimes it seemed as if my life had been reduced to crossing items off endless to-do lists – my to-do list for volunteer work, my to-do list for household chores, my to-do list of personal self-care routines, my to-do list of urgent matters, even a master list to keep track of all the to-do lists. This elaborate system of lists was suggested by the day-planner I carried around constantly and jokingly called “my conscience.” I constantly juggled so many balls in the air, I was convinced I had to keep these multiple to-do lists or I wouldn’t remember to do simple things like brush my teeth. Despite all the to-do lists designed to help me hold myself accountable for how I spent my time, I couldn’t seem to keep up with the demands.

Ecclesiastes 3:6 reminds us there is “a time to keep and a time to cast away.” With that in mind, I resolved to make decluttering one of my priorities. After writing down all those areas of my life that felt not-so-well ordered, I shared the list with my spiritual director.

Instead of incorporating my “God ball” back into the rotation of balls I was juggling, my spiritual director suggested I might want to leave it where it was for the time being. “Just sit with it,” she said.

Back at the drawing board (Photoshop, that is), I retrieved my Clutter Mountain graphic and painted my “God ball” gold. I then pictured myself crawling out from under the clutter pile and sitting next to the golden “God ball” with my eyes closed and my back to everything else – a cup of warm coffee in my hands and my cats at my side.

Of course, this meant the other balls I was juggling would drop, at least temporarily, I told my spiritual director when I showed her the edited graphic.

“That’s okay,” she said. “Those other balls will still be there when it’s time for you to get back to them. They’re not going anywhere.”

Over the next few sessions, she challenged me with additional questions, including this one: “Do you ever doubt God’s existence?”

Could it be that I was distracting myself from these tough questions with all the to-do lists, the frantic scheduling, the endless accumulation of “stuff,” and the mindless Internet surfing that cluttered my physical space and unquieted my mind? My spiritual director thought I might be onto something. And yes, she assured me, it was okay to question my beliefs. Starting with, did I really believe there was a God? Why or why not?

I revisited these images recently while reviewing my spiritual progress. I was gratified to see that I actually have managed to make some improvements in the years since I first began spiritual direction.

My spiritual director recommended I devote one hour each weekday to sorting through the physical clutter in our house. While I still haven’t achieved my dream of a perfectly clean house with a place for everything and everything in its place, our house does stay looking presentable most of the time.

After the pandemic shut everything down, deleting a number of commitments from my calendar in the process, I’ve been very selective about adding them back. I’ve managed to set better boundaries with my screens as well, nearly eliminating the solitaire games and resisting click bait at least occasionally.

I’ve developed a healthy eating plan that replaces much of my previous junk food diet with fruits and veggies, whole grains, spices instead of salt, and more home-cooked meals. While I don’t adhere to the plan perfectly, I have been steadily improving, especially since being diagnosed with diabetes.

The spiritual direction process itself has been beneficial for tackling mental and emotional clutter. One thing that really helped was giving myself permission to ask all those “God questions” some folks might think I shouldn’t be asking. And once I started taming my to-do list by setting better boundaries, I found myself feeling fewer resentments.

Alas, I can’t say my life has become completely clutter-free. Most of those boxes in the basement labeled “miscellaneous” remain. I still catch myself mindlessly surfing the Internet from time to time and clicking on bait like “21 celebrities who have gone to prison.” Or I find myself saying “yes” to a new commitment when I really should say “no.” And I’ll plead guilty to harboring an itty bitty resentment now and then.

In other words, this decluttering exercise hasn’t been a once-and-done proposition. When the physical and spiritual clutter starts piling up again, and the tug-of-war over my time and my values threatens to resume, I still find the images to be a helpful reality check.

As they say around the tables at 12-Step meetings, we seek spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. One day at a time.

Spiritual direction: Staying the course

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As my husband and I begin a new year under trying circumstances, one of my priorities is to continue the spiritual direction journey I began around five years ago.

Spiritual direction – for those unfamiliar with the concept – is a partnership in which one Christian helps another grow in a personal relationship with God. Monthly one-on-one meetings have involved examining my relationship with God, my prayer life, my personal values and various lifestyle choices. For me, spiritual direction has been a supplement to – rather than a substitute for – church. 

Several factors led to my decision to seek such direction: the transition in focus and priorities prompted by my retirement; the “time is limited” epiphany that comes with being 60-something, losing loved ones and developing chronic health problems myself; and the internal tug-of-war over my personal values brought on by the increasing divisiveness and polarization in our society.

I’ve begun to think of this decision as a “God thing” that came at exactly the right time. Pete and I have recently lost what feels like an unbearably long list of loved ones. We’ve taken turns being hospitalized ourselves. COVID-19 has upended our lives relentlessly. Now we’re dealing with chemotherapy (Pete) and cardiac rehab following a heart attack (me).

As we struggle to establish new habits/routines and ward off depression and exhaustion, spiritual direction has turned out to be exactly what the doctor ordered. In fact, when Pete saw how much I was benefitting from the process, he decided to begin spiritual direction himself.

So what’s next, as I continue my spiritual direction journey? Here’s what I’ve worked on so far and where I want to focus my attention in the coming year.

Doubt. I began this journey by learning how to address those pesky doubts about God’s existence that creep in from time to time – mostly by going outside and immersing myself in the natural environment, which constantly reassures me of the presence of a Creator. But I still wrestle with questions about God’s nature, especially in the midst of our current crises. I’ve often found myself asking, “Is God really concerned about each of us personally, let alone each sparrow? Or is that idea just wishful thinking?” One might say I’ve graduated from “Does God exist?” to “Does God care?”

Prayer. I’ve explored a variety of prayer techniques – meditation, prayers of petition and intercession, prayers of thanksgiving, writing or journaling as a form of prayer, nature prayer. I must confess that lately most of my prayers have been of the “foxhole” variety. (“Dear God, please get us out of this jam.” Or simply, “Dear God, help!!!”)

Self-care. 1 Corinthians 6:19 reminds us that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and my recent medical adventures have sent an unmistakable message that I need to take better care of mine. I really, really need to establish better eating habits and a sustainable exercise program. I want to help nurse Pete back to health as well. We’re assembling a good medical team that can help both of us get the ongoing physical care we need.

Emotional support. Getting the right support system in place has been crucial for surviving recent events. Family and friends have been supportive, and members of our church congregation have reached out as well. We’re on several prayer lists. I’ve added a professional therapist to our medical team to help Pete and I cope with the emotional fallout from battling a pair of life-threatening conditions simultaneously.

Staying spiritually connected. I participate in our church’s community service and faith formation committees and am helping keep our micro pantry filled. Pete and I continue to co-facilitate Sundays@6, our congregation’s adult faith formation class. We are part of an associates program for the Dominican Sisters in our community, where we are involved in their anti-racism initiative.

My writing. I want to start making some real progress on my book, and keep working on my blog. From age 10 onward, I’ve dreamed of writing a book. More than 50 years later, that goal is … still on my bucket list. I’ve known since grade school that writing would play some role in my life’s purpose, whatever that turned out to be. I do consider my writing ability to be a gift from God that should not be wasted. 

Gardening. We had extensive landscaping work done last spring. I planted lots of native perennials, as well as an abundance of annuals, and the yard is looking beautiful! We’ve turned our flower beds into a welcome center for hummingbirds, bees and butterflies. I like to think of this project as “God’s work, our hands,” and have found gardening to be enormously therapeutic.

Finances. This past year, Pete and I updated our wills and power-of-attorney documents. We also established a donor-advised fund with our local community foundation in honor of his parents and mine. This coming year, we want to consult with our financial advisor to help us find socially responsible investment opportunities. 

Clutter. My first spiritual director recommended I devote one hour each weekday to sorting through the physical clutter in our house. This priority may seem trivial in the face of everything else we’re dealing with right now, but when the house is a mess, the rest of my life starts to feel unmanageable. Decluttering is one small thing I can do to feel less helpless when life gets chaotic.

Discernment. From the beginning, I have been questioning all kinds of dogma, from the spiritual and religious to the political and ideological. This “deconstruction/reconstruction” work started with questioning a lot of things I thought I knew, along with beliefs and values other people – whether liberal or conservative – want me to hold. I want to develop a belief/value system that both my rational mind and my conscience can accept, rather than simply parroting a set of values  and beliefs that will let me fit in chameleon-like with my peers. What do I actually believe about God and why? What is God’s purpose or plan for my life? What are my values, or what should they be? How do I live my life in a way that is consistent with my beliefs and values? What are my own beliefs about the hot-button issues that consume our nation’s culture warriors? What is my role as a Christian in fighting or mitigating society’s problems and political battles? I would like to continue this discernment process.

Keeping our heads above water, for the next few months at least, is going to be a challenge for my husband and me. But I also want our lives to move beyond mere survival mode – from surviving to thriving. Hopefully our continued spiritual direction work can be a key part of making that happen, with God’s help.

A new commitment

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Retirement had already represented a major transition. Now that my husband and I no longer punched a time clock, we had entered a new chapter of our lives and – as part of my spiritual direction journey – I had started asking myself a serious question: “What should this next chapter look like?”

Then COVID-19 upended our lives even more. After a year and a half of pandemic restrictions, Pete and I were beginning to feel like characters in the movie Groundhog Day – living the same day again and again … and again. Last fall, a scary hospital experience convinced both of us: “Groundhog Day is over!” Time to turn the calendar to a new day, we decided.

So, we embarked on something quite new and different: We began the formation process to join the Associates Program for the Dominican Sisters in our community.

Dominican Associates are people who embrace the Dominican traditions of prayer, study, community and ministry. Associates undertake individual volunteer ministries in their own churches/parishes and communities. They may also join the Sisters on committees and boards, work side-by-side with the Sisters in their ministries, or provide logistical support for the Sisters’ public events. 

As the Dominican Sisters’ website (link HERE) says – and I just love this: Associates “respond to God’s call to share the Gospel by preaching it through the witness of their lives.”

Pete and I had long admired the Dominican Sisters. During our 20-plus years of working for human service agencies (for me) and teaching at the local Catholic university (for Pete), we saw up close the many valuable contributions the Sisters made to our community (mentoring and helping not-for-profit organizations by serving as board members or in other volunteer capacities) and in other parts of the world (working with the Christian community in Iraq and Kurdistan).

Over the years, we also got to know some of the Sisters very well personally. One Sister in particular was a wonderful mentor to me professionally during my career in human services, coaching me on everything from how to manage a staff to locating possible funding sources for the agencies where I worked. We did lunch together often and she remains a personal friend. Two other Sisters have provided spiritual direction for Pete and me.  

When we learned that the Dominican Sisters were seeking applicants for their Associates Program, and that this opportunity was open to all baptized Christians, Pete and I very quickly decided we would be honored to partner with them in some way.

We completed a several-months-long formation process in which we learned about the dimensions of Dominican life as they are interwoven in study, prayer, community and ministry. The formation process concluded with a one-day retreat during which we were asked to discern the next step of commitment. Pete and I appreciated that the formation sessions were offered via Zoom so we could participate despite our pandemic restrictions.

One of the things we focused on as part of our formation process was discerning where God wants to use us next. We were asked to come up with “commitment statements” in which we agreed to join the Sisters in preaching the Word and witnessing Gospel values through various activities. These activities could include a renewed commitment to things we were already doing, or something entirely new.

Among other things, we learned that Associates in our community assist with the local Sisters’ social justice activities. A couple of these proved particularly attractive to Pete and me – the Sisters’ anti-racism efforts and their coordinating committee working on environmental issues. We decided we will join their efforts in these areas.

We will continue to be involved in our own church congregation as well, but in some rather new ways. When COVID broke out and many of our own church activities moved online, we found new ways to contribute our time and talents. I have been serving on our church’s community service committee (via Zoom) and helping keep our church’s micro pantry stocked. Since the beginning of the year, Pete and I have been leading an adult faith formation group on Zoom.

Our formation process as Dominican Associates was formalized and celebrated this past weekend through a commitment ceremony held in the convent’s beautiful chapel. In the photo below, I’m reading my commitment statements while my sponsor stands by my side.

Here are my commitments as I join the Sisters in preaching the Word and witnessing Gospel values:

  • Continuing with spiritual direction, in which I examine my relationship with God, prayer, my personal values, my investment decisions and various lifestyle choices.
  • Continuing to be an active member of my own church congregation by teaching (with Pete) a “Sundays @ 6” faith formation class offered via Zoom, serving on the congregation’s community service committee and helping with food pantry efforts.
  • Serving as a bridge-builder for peace and reconciliation through my writing, my interpersonal relationships and my involvement in social justice work. This will include participation in the Dominican Sisters’ anti-racism efforts.
  • Doing my part to preserve and protect the environment through my own habits, such as better recycling, environmentally-friendly gardening and lawn care, creating flower beds for pollinators and reducing our household’s use of fossil fuels. I will also be joining the Dominican Sisters in their Laudato Si’ Action Platform efforts.

Pete and I are definitely looking forward to this new chapter in our spiritual journey.

Spiritual direction: The journey continues

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As I begin the new year, one of my priorities is to resume the spiritual direction journey I began nearly five years ago.

Spiritual direction is a partnership in which one Christian helps another grow in a personal relationship with God. Several factors led to my own decision to seek such direction: the transition in focus and priorities prompted by my retirement; the “time is limited” epiphany that comes with being 60-something, losing loved ones and developing chronic health problems myself; and the internal tug-of-war over my own values brought on by the increasing divisiveness and polarization in our society.

For three years, I met monthly with my spiritual director for one-hour sessions in which we discussed everything from trying new prayer techniques to eliminating clutter to improving creativity. Sister M. offered a variety of suggestions for homework assignments, allowing me to choose which ones I might find most helpful. Sometimes she would have me write my thoughts about a topic. Other times she might have me create an image, or take my camera and go for a walk. She recommended various reading materials as well.

Then the COVID-19 lockdown commenced in March of 2020 and put a stop to any face-to-face meetings. Six months after that, sadly, Sister M. died. While I found her homework assignments and reading suggestions enormously helpful, what I found most valuable of all was her completely nonjudgmental attitude as I grappled with questions some would say I shouldn’t even be asking. And I know she would want me to continue my journey.

So a month ago – after a hiatus of more than a year – I had my first session with Sister K., my new spiritual director. To help us get started, I’ve written an overview of what I worked on with Sister M., where I am right now and where I want to go from here.

These are some of the main issues Sister M. and I worked on:

  • Doubt. For most of my life, I had been pretty sure there was a God. Yet, nagging doubts about God’s existence continued to creep in from time to time. Sister M. allowed me to discuss this issue frankly and honestly – without passing the slightest hint of judgment.
  • Prayer. We explored a variety of prayer techniques, some familiar and others new to me. Among them were meditation, prayers of petition and intercession, prayers of thanksgiving, writing and journaling as a form of prayer, nature prayer, and practicing better mindfulness in church. For more detailed descriptions of our work on prayer, click HERE and HERE.
  • Clutter. We discussed how to eliminate clutter of all kinds, from the physical clutter in my house to my overloaded and chaotic schedule to the various kinds of spiritual clutter that distracted me from my priorities and threatened to crowd attention to God out of my life. Click HERE to see a fun and illuminating homework assignment Sister M. gave me.
  • My writing. From age 10 onward, I’d dreamed of writing a book. More than 50 years later, that goal was … still on my bucket list. So, with encouragement from Sister M, I decided it was time. My book – with the working title We Need to Talk – will examine the polarization ripping apart our society and share my personal search for an appropriate Christian response.
  • A toxic situation. For several years I had dedicated an average of 5-10 volunteer hours per week to a local not-for-profit organization and contributed hundreds of dollars. While not church-related, the organization served a cause dear to my heart, and I had previously thought nurturing its development might be a significant part of God’s plan for my retirement years. However, warring factions within the organization seemed more focused on vanquishing each other than they were on the mission, and I needed to make a decision about my continued involvement.

For a while, my spiritual progress felt agonizingly slow – at least to me. But when I step back and look at the whole three years, I realize I’ve actually made quite a few strides. I’ve also gotten much more comfortable with the idea of incremental progress. Baby steps, Sister M. would say.

Here’s where I am right now:

  • Reassurance. I’ve discovered that going outside is something I can easily do whenever I encounter those pesky doubts about God’s existence. I can watch sunsets. Listen to cicadas. Smell flowers. Take a walk and feel the breeze against my face. Experience evidence of God with all my senses. (Click HERE to read my post about nature prayer.) For me, finding a way to effectively address my occasional doubts has been huge.
  • Regular meditation. I had already developed a morning meditation ritual – sitting in my recliner in front of the fireplace with a cat in my lap and a cup of coffee by my side while I journaled about my priorities for the coming day. I’ve now added evening meditation as well, and I’ve become much more disciplined about including at least one meditation session per day. Click HERE to read my post about meditation.
  • A clean house. Sister M. recommended I devote one hour – and only one hour – each weekday to sorting through “stuff.” While I haven’t yet tamed all the clutter (I still have several boxes marked “miscellaneous” in the basement waiting to be sorted), my house at least looks presentable most of the time.
  • An abundance of writing. Since beginning my spiritual direction journey, my creativity has soared. I’ve posted more than a hundred entries to my blog and have written several book excerpts. To read about my book project, along with some excerpts, click HERE.
  • Photography. As I engaged in nature prayer, I also acquired a new hobby – photography. I even invested in a new camera with a 40X zoom, which has allowed me to capture stunning close-up photos of birds and other wildlife. For the past couple of years, I’ve been posting some of my favorites on my blog under the heading “God’s Other Book.” For examples, click HERE and HERE.
  • Freedom from abuse. After five years of relentless conflict and escalating abuse at the above-mentioned organization where I volunteered, I had to admit the organization’s dynamics were never going to change. And no matter how worthy the cause, I was doing untold damage to both myself and my other relationships by continuing to participate. With much sorrow, and after consulting with my spiritual director, my pastor and a valued mentor, I walked away. Summoning the self-respect and courage to walk away from an abusive situation was an enormous step for me.

So what’s next, as I resume my spiritual direction journey? Mostly, I’d like to maintain and build on my progress. Here are some things I’d like to focus on:

  • Surviving COVID-19. I need to figure out how to live with this never-ending pandemic. I’m slowly beginning to grasp the reality that things aren’t getting “back to normal” anytime soon – if ever – so we all might as well adjust to “the new normal.” What should that look like? How do my husband and I continue to have useful, worthwhile and abundant lives while at the same time protecting our own health and the safety of others?
  • Self-care. 1 Corinthians 6:19 reminds us that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and my medical adventures of the past few years have sent an unmistakable message that I need to take better care of mine. Toward that end, I’ve been experimenting with recipes designed to make healthy eating more enticing. After much adjusting and tweaking of ingredients, I’ve managed to come up with a few recipes that I share on this blog from time to time (examples HERE).
  • Values clarification. From the beginning, I have been questioning all kinds of dogma, from the spiritual and religious to the political and ideological, and I would like to continue this discernment process. For me, this has started with questioning a lot of things I thought I knew, along with values other people – whether liberal or conservative – want me to hold. I want to develop a value system that both my rational mind and my conscience can accept, rather than simply parroting a set of values that will let me fit in chameleon-like with my peers and surroundings.
  • My writing. I want to keep working on my book. The excerpts I’ve written so far have outlined why I think our society’s culture wars are so damaging. As I keep writing, I want to focus on additional questions: How do we engage people who disagree with us, while keeping in mind God’s commandment to love our neighbors as ourselves? Even if we think someone’s values are totally wrong, how do we change hearts and minds if we demonize certain people and won’t have anything to do with them? And perhaps more importantly, how do we as Christians avoid becoming part of the problem as our society grows ever more partisan and angry?
  • Service to others. For the past couple of years, I’ve participated in our church’s community service committee, and my husband and I will soon begin teaching an adult faith formation class. We are also training to become part of the Associates Program for the Dominican Sisters in our community. Associates assist, among other things, with the Dominicans’ social justice activities. One of the things we’ll focus on as part of our training is discerning where God wants to use us next.

I’m ready to get started!

Super Me

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Note: I’m taking a short break from writing in July to focus on another project, so for this month, I will re-post some of my personal favorites from earlier days when I only had a dozen or so people following my blog. This was first posted in January 2018.

My spiritual director gave me this assignment: Imagine myself in my ideal spiritual state. What does this ideal state look like?

Actually, I’ve been imagining my “idealized state” for most of my life. I have daydreams that would rival Walter Mitty’s about an amazing woman who, for lack of a better name, I’ll call Super Me. This marvelous creature is a slightly older version of myself, and she has her life totally under control. The Super Me fantasy is particularly potent when I’m working on New Year’s resolutions.

Not only can Super Me leap tall buildings in a single bound, she has a meticulously ordered household, with a place for everything and everything in its place – even in the garage and the basement. She frequently invites family and friends to splendid gatherings at her spotlessly clean house. She has managed to achieve a svelte figure by adhering to an eating plan that is both healthy and painless because she has re-educated her palate to prefer vegetables over chocolate covered peanut butter cookie bars and she never misses her Stay Fit exercise class even during an ice storm. She volunteers for various organizations that work to make the world a better place, and she even serves on the board of directors for a couple of them, but she never gets burned out because she’s learned how to set appropriate boundaries without people getting mad at her. Her recently published book sits atop the New York Times bestseller list. And she never loses sleep at 3 a.m. wondering who God is and what God wants from her, because she has finally discerned all the answers to life’s “ultimate” questions.

As I write this, it occurs to me that if I really did manage to achieve this level of perfection, people might not necessarily like me. After all, I personally find other people intimidating when their lives seem too perfect.

On the other hand, I don’t think I have a thing to worry about here: I’m in no danger of achieving that exalted state anytime soon. Fortunately, I’ve learned that God loves me the way I am – not because I’m perfect, but because God is perfect. Good news, indeed, even if I have to remind myself of this from time to time.

Tribute to a terrific mentor

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In a year of losses, I’m now facing another one. My spiritual director for the past three years died this month following a valiant fight with multiple sclerosis and cancer.

Prior to beginning my journey with Sister M, I had found myself at a spiritual crossroads. My husband and I attended church almost weekly, and I had read the Bible from cover to cover, along with shelves full of books on religion and spirituality. Yet I still found myself asking the “big” or “ultimate” questions. What do I actually believe about God and why? What is God’s purpose for my life? What are my values, or what should they be? How do I live my life in a way that is consistent with my beliefs and values?

Several factors had led to this renewed questioning. The transition in focus and priorities prompted by my retirement. The “time is limited” epiphany that comes with being 60-something, losing loved ones and developing chronic health problems myself. Questions about faith and a church’s true purpose raised by reading the Bible and serving on my congregation’s evangelism committee. The internal tug-of-war over my own values brought on by the increasing divisiveness and polarization in our society.

I made a commitment: Develop a better understanding of God, so I can fulfill God’s purpose for my life, discern what my values should be, and live accordingly. Toward this end, I engaged Sister M to help me sort through my bushel basket full of questions. It’s important for me to point out here that seeing Sister M did not replace going to church. Spiritual direction is a one-on-one partnership in which one Christian helps another grow in a personal relationship with God. It’s a supplement to — rather than a substitute for — church. 

Sister M and I met monthly for one-hour sessions. She offered a variety of suggestions for homework assignments, allowing me to choose which ones I might find most helpful. Sometimes she would have me write my thoughts about a topic. Other times she might have me create an image, or take my camera and go for a walk, or read a book. 

I had already developed a morning meditation ritual — sitting in my recliner in front of the fireplace with a cat in my lap and a cup of coffee by my side while I journaled about my priorities for the coming day. I began using this time to write out my thoughts and insights generated by the homework assignments. 

I must admit the idea of working with a spiritual director made me a bit nervous at first. While I hoped this person would ask the hard questions, I didn’t want someone who would merely push me to adopt their own belief system. I needed this person to be nonjudgmental and open to the idea that I was questioning all kinds of dogma, from the spiritual and religious to the political and ideological. 

Sister M, thankfully, was patient as I grappled with questions some would say I shouldn’t even be asking. Her demeanor was very pleasant, and we immediately discovered one thing in common — we both grew up on farms.

One of her first assignments: Come up with an image that best symbolizes my present spiritual condition. I created a Photoshop image of myself buried under a mountain of clutter. A pair of arms juggled several balls in the air — family, friends, volunteer work, the house. More balls had been dropped and were nestled on the ground at the bottom of the heap — my writing, self-care, God.

I listed those areas of my life that felt not-so-well-ordered. My relationships. A messy house. My frantic, overloaded schedule. Health issues. My writing, which seemed to languish. My emotional life, which often left me feeling like a walking bundle of anxieties. The suspicion I entertained from time to time that my life had been reduced to crossing items off endless to-do lists. My spiritual life, with all those questions and doubts.

Sister M listened to my litany without negative judgment — at least none that I could detect. I half expected her to supply some relevant Bible verses about the Godliness of cleanliness and self-discipline. Instead, she suggested I spend an hour each day tackling the clutter — just one hour — and leave the rest for the next day. Baby steps.

One of the first questions Sister M asked me was, “Have you ever questioned the existence of God?” She didn’t flinch when I said, “Oh yeah. More than once.” For most of my life, I had leaned toward the idea that there probably is a God. Yet, nagging doubts continued to creep in from time to time. I didn’t voice them to anyone, though. If the Christians around me ever doubted God’s existence, they certainly weren’t letting on.

As I began taming my schedule and tackling the endless clutter — one hour and one day at a time — a flash of insight occurred to me. A little epiphany, one might say. Could the question of God’s existence be what I was distracting myself from with all the to-do lists, the frantic scheduling, the endless cleaning and the mindless Internet surfing that cluttered my life and unquieted my mind? My spiritual director agreed that I might be on to something. 

I confessed that what I really wanted was the “blinding light” experience the Apostle Paul had on the road to Damascus, or the burning bush Moses encountered. I wanted to be like those people who saw the blinding light or the burning bush, just knew what they knew about God, and had their mission in life spelled out for them. 

She recommended I use part of my morning meditation time to be completely quiet. “Listen for God’s voice,” she said. Well, the blinding light hasn’t happened for me — at least not yet. But what has happened is nearly as amazing. 

I walked outside. Dismissing the existence of a God is tempting when so many people who claim to speak in God’s name spew hatred for their fellow and sister human beings while committing assorted hypocrisies and evil deeds. Denying God’s existence gets even easier when watching one terrible event after another unfold on the news. But I’ve found it’s almost impossible to deny the existence of a Creator when I’m outdoors with evidence of God all around me.

Sister M helped me explore various kinds of “spiritual clutter” that was crowding attention to God out of my life — and I eliminated a major distractor by walking away from an incredibly abusive volunteer work situation. As much as leaving the organization saddened me, I immediately felt so much “lighter” — like I put down the 100-pound bag of stress I had carried around for five years. 

When my spiritual director asked me point-blank if I ever doubted the existence of God, her question gave me permission to “go there.” For the next leg of my spiritual journey, I wanted to keep being honest about the questions I had. And I had LOTS of them.

Who, or what, exactly, is this Entity I choose to call God? What is my authority for what I believe? The Bible? Church tradition? Why go to church, when by my own admission, I feel the presence of God most while immersed in nature? What is prayer and how should we pray? Can writing, singing and gardening be forms of prayer? Is it okay to ask God for things? What does salvation mean, actually? How do I relate the 10 Commandments to 21st Century issues? In a world where many “sins” have been reframed as “diseases” or “dysfunctional behavior,” is sin still a legitimate concept? How would liberal Christians define sin versus how conservative Christians define it? Considering that no creed exists anywhere in the Bible and a number of Christian churches don’t have one, do we need a creed? If so, what should be in it? Is there a common core of beliefs shared by most Christians, regardless of sect or denomination? Do all of these denominations offer equally legitimate paths to God? Is there a way to heal the divisions between believers and relate respectfully to people whose viewpoints differ from ours?

That was just for starters. When I shared this list of questions with Sister M, as usual, there were no lectures. She just smiled and asked, “Where do you want to start?”

We explored a variety of prayer techniques. Among them: morning meditation, nature prayer, prayers of petition and intercession, prayers of thanksgiving, writing and journaling as a form of prayer, and practicing better mindfulness in church. While I had used some of these prayer techniques off and on for years, I committed to doing them on a more regular, disciplined basis. 

When it came to my dreams, one goal on my bucket list remained elusive. From age 10 onward, I’d dreamed of writing a book. More than 50 years later, that goal was … still on my bucket list. So, with encouragement from Sister M, I decided it was time. My book — with the working title We Need to Talk — will examine the polarization ripping apart our society and share my personal search for an appropriate Christian response.

My spiritual progress may seem agonizingly slow to some who are reading this. But for me, finding a way to effectively address my occasional doubts about God’s existence was HUGE. Summoning the self-respect and courage to walk away from an abusive situation was an enormous step in the right direction. My creativity has soared. I’ve now written several book excerpts, I recently posted my 100th blog entry, and I’ve discovered a new hobby – nature photography. And while I haven’t yet tamed all the clutter in my house, I’ve gotten much more comfortable with incremental progress. Baby steps, as Sister M would say. 

The graphic I produced for her at the beginning of our work together would now look more like this.

As they say around the tables at 12-Step meetings, we aim for spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. One thing I do know for sure: I’m grateful God gave me the opportunity to make a portion of this journey with Sister M.

Rest in peace, dear sister in Christ. In your honor, I’m going to keep asking those pesky questions.

Spiritual progress as I begin 2020

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My current spiritual journey began with a bushel basket full of pesky questions and a commitment.

About two years ago, I found myself at a spiritual crossroads. My husband and I attended church almost weekly, and I had read the Bible from cover to cover, along with shelves full of books on religion and spirituality. Yet I still found myself asking the “big” or “ultimate” questions. What do I actually believe about God and why? What is God’s purpose for my life? What are my values, or what should they be? How do I live my life in a way that is consistent with my beliefs and values?

Several factors led to this renewed questioning. The transition in focus and priorities prompted by my retirement. The “time is limited” epiphany that comes with being 60-something, losing loved ones and developing chronic health problems myself. Questions about faith and a church’s true purpose raised by reading the Bible and serving on my congregation’s evangelism committee. The internal tug-of-war over my own values brought on by the increasing divisiveness and polarization in our society.

My commitment: Develop a better understanding of God, so I can fulfill God’s purpose for my life, discern what my values should be and live accordingly. 

I engaged a spiritual director to help me sort through my basket of “ultimate” questions, challenge all kinds of dogma from the spiritual and religious to the political and ideological, and reorder my beliefs and values as necessary. For the past two years, we have met monthly for one-hour sessions. She offers a variety of suggestions for homework assignments, allowing me to choose which ones I might find most helpful, and she recommends various reading materials as well.

It’s important for me to point out that seeing a spiritual director has not replaced going to church. Spiritual direction is a one-on-one partnership in which one Christian helps another grow in a personal relationship with God. It’s a supplement to – rather than a substitute for – church. 

One of the first questions my spiritual director asked me was, “Have you ever questioned the existence of God?” She didn’t flinch when I said, “Oh yeah. More than once.” For most of my life, I had leaned toward the idea that there probably is a God. Yet, nagging doubts continued to creep in from time to time. I didn’t voice them to anyone, though. If the Christians around me ever doubted God’s existence, they certainly weren’t letting on.

I confessed that what I really wanted was the “blinding light” experience the Apostle Paul had on the road to Damascus, or the burning bush Moses encountered. I wanted to be like those people who saw the blinding light or the burning bush, just knew what they knew about God, and had their mission in life spelled out for them. Well, the blinding light hasn’t happened for me – at least not yet. But what has happened is nearly as amazing. 

I started spending more time outside. Dismissing the existence of a deity is tempting when so many people who claim to speak in God’s name spew hatred for their neighbors while committing assorted hypocrisies and evil deeds. Denying God’s existence gets even easier when watching one terrible event after another unfold on the news. But I’ve found it almost impossible to deny the existence of a Creator when I’m outdoors with evidence of God all around me.

Because the natural world constantly reassures me of God’s existence, I’ve discovered that going outside is something I can easily do whenever I encounter those pesky doubts. I can watch sunsets. Listen to cicadas. Smell some flowers. Feel the breeze against my face. Take a walk. Dig around in the dirt and plant flowers or veggies. Experience evidence of God with all my senses. Immersing myself in nature’s majesty continually reminds me there is an ultimate Creator.

Once I discovered a reliable way to address my occasional doubts about God’s existence, it was time for the next step in my spiritual direction journey – improving my conscious contact with God. For the past year, I’ve been exploring a variety of prayer techniques. Among them: morning meditation, nature prayer, prayers of petition and intercession, prayers of thanksgiving, writing and journaling as a form of prayer and practicing better mindfulness in church. While I’ve used some of these prayer techniques off and on for years, I’ve committed to doing them on a more regular, disciplined basis. 

As I’ve engaged in nature prayer, I’ve acquired a new hobby – photography. I even invested in a new camera recommended to me by the author of From My Window, a blog featuring amazing nature photography (link HERE). The Canon PowerShot SX720 HS camera is a simple “point-and-shoot,” but it has a 40X zoom, which has allowed me to capture stunning close-up photos of birds and other wildlife. I’ll be sharing more of my favorites on my own blog in the coming months.

1 Corinthians 6:19 reminds us that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and my medical adventures of the past year have sent an unmistakable message that I need to take better care of mine. Toward that end, I’ve been experimenting with recipes designed to make my healthy eating plan more enticing. After much adjusting and tweaking of ingredients, I’ve managed to come up with a few recipes that are worth sharing, so I’ll be doing that from time to time as well.

So what’s next as I continue my spiritual journey?

Part of my initial motivation for seeking spiritual direction was the extreme level of vitriol permeating our society in recent years, and the stressful impact all the fighting has had in my personal life. I must say I’m dreading the 2020 election season here in the U.S. I’ve begun to suspect I’m part of an “exhausted majority” of folks who feel pressured to take sides in the Culture Wars, but at the same time, I don’t fit neatly into either the left-wing progressive or the right-wing conservative camp. As the increasingly polarized positions have hardened, and the endless bickering has begun to penetrate every area of our lives, common sense seems to have flown out the window. 

This situation has prompted me to ask: What are my own beliefs about the hot-button issues that consume our nation’s culture warriors and what is my role as a Christian in fighting or mitigating society’s political battles? How do I engage people who disagree with me, while keeping in mind God’s commandment to love my neighbor as myself? Even if we think someone’s values are totally wrong, how do we as Christians change hearts and minds if we demonize certain people and won’t have anything to do with them? And perhaps more importantly, how do I avoid becoming part of the problem as our society grows ever more partisan and angry? I will be exploring these issues and questions with my spiritual director in the coming year.

Time to fasten my seatbelt and embark on the next leg of my spiritual journey. 

When Martha Stewart becomes a verb

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During a recent church service, I heard the familiar story of Mary and Martha from Luke 10:38-42. The two sisters open their home to Jesus as he travels with his disciples. While Martha busies herself with preparations, Mary sits at the feet of Jesus and listens to his teaching. Martha complains to Jesus, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her to help me!” Jesus answers, “Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Now, I don’t need to take any of those Are-You-Mary-Or-Martha quizzes on Facebook to figure out which sister I am. As someone who struggles constantly with perfectionism in areas ranging from my diet and my housekeeping to my writing and my spiritual life, I seriously relate to Martha. 

In fact, the Mary-versus-Martha story reminds me of a visualization exercise my spiritual director recommended shortly after we began working together. She instructed me to imagine myself in my ideal spiritual state. As I did this exercise, I realized I’d been imagining my “idealized state” (not to be confused with “ideal spiritual state”) for most of my life. I have daydreams that would rival Walter Mitty’s about an amazing woman I facetiously call Super Me. This marvelous creature is a slightly older version of myself, and she has her life TOTALLY UNDER CONTROL. 

Not only can Super Me leap tall buildings in a single bound, she has a meticulously ordered household, with a place for everything and everything in its place – even in the garage and the basement. She frequently invites family and friends to splendid gatherings, where she serves up a banquet better than anything Martha Stewart could produce. She has managed to achieve a svelte figure by adhering to an eating plan that is not only healthy, but painless, because she has re-educated her palate to prefer vegetables over chocolate-covered peanut butter cookie bars and she never misses her Stay Fit exercise class even during an ice storm. She volunteers for various organizations that work to make the world a better place, and she even serves on the board of directors for a couple of them, but she never gets burned out because she’s learned how to set appropriate boundaries without people getting mad at her. Her recently published book sits atop the New York Times bestseller list. And she never loses sleep at 3 a.m. wondering who God is and what God wants from her, because she has finally discerned ALL the answers to life’s “ultimate” questions.

The Super Me fantasy is particularly potent when I’m working on New Year’s resolutions, or engaging in my annual birthday tradition of evaluating my priorities and setting goals for the coming year. Coupled with the Super Me fantasy is what I’d call the Ultimate Rejection fantasy, in which people wrinkle their noses in utter disgust when they find out what my house really looks like if I’m not expecting company. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Luke had told us that Martha harbored both of these fantasies from time to time.

I’m relieved whenever I discover I’m not alone in having “Martha” tendencies. I laughed out loud when Alicia, author of the blog For His Purpose, used “Martha Stewart” as a verb. “I like to say I can just Martha Stewart everything,” Alicia confessed in one of her posts (link HERE), as she expressed her fear that the exchange student coming to live with her family would decide that her whole household was nuts and run screaming back to Russia in response to the chaos. In my own case, I feel compelled to warn houseguests not to venture into my basement or garage lest I find it necessary to file a missing persons report and organize a search party to rescue them.

“As an overachieving Martha myself, I am trying to understand Mary doing the better thing first,” said Elizabeth, author of Saved By Words (link HERE), in response to my birthday blog post, in which I outlined my priorities for the coming year (link HERE). “Not that Martha is doing anything wrong. Just that at the time sitting at Jesus’ feet was more important.” In the ensuing discussion, she and I agreed we both might possess some Martha-like traits.

The dilemma is real. 

I struggle with the advice Jesus gave Martha. I agree that we need to keep what’s really important at the forefront. This was brought home to me rather painfully over the summer. With my beloved mother in hospice, the past few months represented my last chance to “visit with her more often.”

On the other hand, doesn’t Galatians 5:22-23 remind us that one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control? In my mind, self-control equals the self-discipline to maintain healthy eating habits, family obligations, a clean house and active participation in church and community, among other things. 

And then, of course, we women have the Proverbs 31 Woman often held up by fellow believers as an example to emulate. If the Proverbs 31 Woman were transported to the 21st Century, I can imagine her having Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s career, Christie Brinkley’s looks and Martha Stewart’s homemaking and entertaining skills. For starters.

Besides, I’ve found that several of the priorities I identified in my birthday post are really no longer optional for me. For example, with my newly-diagnosed diabetes, healthy eating is no longer simply a worthy goal, but a medical necessity.

While perhaps less crucial, crossing backlog tasks off my to-do list actually makes my life easier in the long run. Certain things really do need to get done, like it or not. Keeping the fridge and pantry in order reduces food waste – better for both our budget and the environment. When the clutter around the house gets out of control, my whole life feels out of control. It’s stressful to have deadlines hanging over my head all the time.

And I have one priority that hasn’t changed since I was 10: Write a book! The fact that I’m retired means I have never been in a better position to achieve this dream, and the time to do it is now, not some future date when everything will have settled down and fallen into place so I can start living my life in earnest.

All of this requires some level of the self-control spelled out in Galations 5:23 as a “fruit of the spirit.”

The good news is, my life does not feel nearly as out of control as it did prior to my retirement, when I was juggling the 24/7 demands of running a social service organization. And I do like to think my current priorities are a vast improvement over the ones I had in high school, when being popular was my number one goal, or even in my 40s and 50s, when my top priority (judging by my behavior) was chasing after brass rings and fancy job titles. 

Before I retired, it seemed as if my life had been reduced to crossing items off endless To-Do lists: my To-Do List for work, my To-Do List for household chores, my To-Do List of personal self-care routines, my To-Do List of urgent matters, even a Master List to keep track of all the To-Do Lists. This elaborate system of lists was suggested by the day-planner I carried around constantly and jokingly called “my conscience.” I constantly juggled so many balls in the air, I was convinced I had to keep these multiple To-Do Lists or I wouldn’t remember to do simple things like brush my teeth. Despite all the To-Do lists designed to help me hold myself accountable for how I spent my time, I couldn’t seem to keep up with all the demands.

Even now, however, repeated efforts to get my life under better control often leave me feeling more frustrated than ever. I’m reminded of the Apostle Paul, when he says in Romans 7: “I don’t understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. … I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” 

So yes, I do need to practice some reasonable self-discipline. But at the same time, I also want the next chapter of my life to amount to more than eating, sleeping, dodging other people’s dramas and crossing items off To-Do lists. In other words, I’d like for my life to include a few more “Mary” moments.

It’s nice to be able to find things when I need them without sorting through mounds of clutter. But I probably need to face the fact that our home will always look like real people (and pets) live here, no matter how much time I spend cleaning. There will never be a time when my house is in perfect order inside and out, including the closets, the garage and the basement. The perfectly clean house exists only in Better Homes and Gardens – and then only for the hour or so needed to photograph it. Unless you’re Martha Stewart, who probably not only has a full-time housekeeper, but a full-time housekeeping staff. (Speaking of Martha Stewart, is she the ultimate “Martha” in the Mary and Martha story?)

 “Baby steps,” my spiritual director often advises when I complain of my life feeling out of control. “That’s what matters.” The baby-steps advice does seem to work when I heed it. In the past month, I’ve finished cleaning the fridge (one shelf at a time), the freezer in the basement (one shelf at a time) and the pantry (one shelf at a time), as well as sorting through several weeks’ accumulation of junk mail. I’m finding ways to make the food preparation required for healthy eating easier – batch cooking, for example. 

Meanwhile, I try to muster the self-discipline to include morning meditation in my daily routine as often as possible. This reminds me to keep my relationship with God “in the #1 slot,” as the folks around the tables in 12-Step groups would say.

Of course, when it comes to Super Me, I’m in no danger of achieving that exalted state anytime soon. One thing coping with multiple medical issues over the past few months has done for me is, I’ve stopped trying to Martha-Stewart anything. At least for now, while I’m healing. And maybe, as Martha Stewart herself would say, “That’s a good thing.”

As I write this, it occurs to me that if I really did manage to achieve the level of perfection I fantasize about in my Super Me daydreams, people might not necessarily like me. After all, I personally find other people intimidating when their lives seem too perfect.

Fortunately, I’ve learned that God loves me the way I am – not because I’m perfect, but because God is perfect. Good news, indeed, even if I have to remind myself of this from time to time.

There’s a secret part of me, however, that still hopes Mary helped Martha wash the dishes after Jesus left. After all, food preparation and clean-up don’t happen by themselves.

Questions allowed!

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23

“It’s God’s will. You mustn’t question God’s will.” 

If I’ve heard this admonition once, I’ve heard it a gazillion times – usually when I’ve challenged some aspect of religious dogma or someone’s interpretation of a Biblical passage. And I must admit, I tend to become innately suspicious when any person (or church denomination) does not want me to ask questions. 

The Bible itself brims with stories of prophets and apostles who questioned God’s will – or tried to change God’s mind, or expressed doubts out loud – and lived to tell about it. 

When God commanded Jonah to go to Nineveh and prophesy against that city, Jonah tried to flee rather than carry out the command and got angry when the people of Nineveh actually repented of their sins. When Job fell on excruciatingly hard times, he didn’t lose his faith, but he did confront God, demanding to know why these things were happening to him.

Wikipedia defines a doubting Thomas as “a skeptic who refuses to believe without direct personal experience” – a reference to the Apostle Thomas, who refused to believe the resurrected Jesus had appeared to the other apostles until he could see and feel Jesus’s wounds for himself. Even Jesus, as he faced crucifixion, pleaded with God, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me.”

But when people “caution” me not to question God’s will, I’m not sure it’s God’s will they’re worried about. I suspect what some of them really mean is, “Don’t question my interpretation of God’s will.” I haven’t yet decided whether it’s worth the effort to question God’s will, but I can certainly challenge another human being’s interpretation of it.

My own questioning of “received wisdom” began early. At age 8, I listened in shock as a mainline Protestant minister “explained” to the congregation that “God does not intend for black people to be equal to white people.” As a teenager, I simply refused to believe someone who claimed my baby sister would not go to heaven because my parents were unable to have her baptized before she died. 

When I was in college, some evangelical classmates talked excitedly about The Late, Great Planet Earth, a book by Hal Lindsay which speculated the Catholic Church was the Great Whore of Babylon mentioned in the Book of Revelation and the Pope was the Antichrist who had the number 666 engraved on his ring. I may not have agreed with every single aspect of Catholic teaching, but I was repulsed by the blatant bigotry and said so.

More recently I’ve debated folks who think God favors capitalism over socialism or America over other countries, the so-called “prosperity gospel” promoting the idea that God wants us to be wealthy, the assertion that God cares whether we sing traditional hymns or contemporary music at our church services, and the whole concept of predestination. 

One reason we have so many Christian denominations is that we have so many different interpretations of “the truth.” The various sects and denominations offer contrasting teachings on everything from baptism (sprinkling or immersion? infant or older?) to communion (wine or grape juice? open or closed?) to how one gets “saved” (baptism or personal decision?). And then there’s the debate over whether a church should take positions on hot-button “political” issues such as immigration and gun control. When Christians can’t agree on the “right” answers, how do I sort these things out for myself if I can’t ask questions?

I’ve discovered it’s not only important to question other people’s ideas, but my own as well. I must admit I occasionally notice cognitive dissonance between my stated values and my actions. For example, I say I care about the environment (God’s creation!), yet keep contributing excessive waste to our ever-expanding landfills. I say we all ought to invest in solar power, but have yet to install the panels on our own house. Along with Pope Francis, I decry consumerism, yet can’t seem to stop accumulating STUFF. I share the Bible’s concern about the poor, yet avoid looking too closely at the impact of my spending and investment habits on economically disadvantaged people. I could go on.

Whether we’re talking about church dogma or political/ideological positions, one thing I’ve been asking myself lately is, do I really believe everything I claim to believe? Or do I pay lip service to certain ideas to please my peer group? Do I secretly think someone else should be responsible for upholding certain values while I’m exempt? Could a fearless moral inventory of the type promoted by 12-Step programs be in order? (For those unfamiliar with 12-Step groups, the fearless moral inventory involves seriously examining one’s own attitudes and behavior.)

I’m aware that the mere act of asking questions carries risks. Will I stop believing in God altogether if I express too many doubts? Will I decide the church I’m attending is no longer appropriate for me? Will I stop agreeing with friends on certain issues, and will they no longer consider me an ally or want to be friends with me?

Yes, it is possible I could end up wanting to go to a different church. (Again.) Or I could stop believing in God altogether. Or I could lose friends. But it’s equally possible that answering questions to my own satisfaction could strengthen my faith, encourage me to appreciate my current church even more, and allow me to discern who my real friends are.

Matthew 22:37 says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” Your mind, it says. Your mind.

I’ve been encouraged by reader responses to recent blog posts in which I’ve acknowledged struggling with various aspects of my faith. 

Chrissie, author of the blog Word Quilt (link HERE), had this response to one of my posts: “To doubt and still believe [is] a real definition of faith, but not blind faith.” Exactly, I thought.

Elizabeth, author of the blog Saved by Words (link HERE), responded to another of my posts: “If you didn’t question the very basis of your faith, you would be merely borrowing someone else’s faith.” I like that. And I completely agree.

Ultimately, what I want is my own personal faith – one that will stand up to reason and scrutiny. What that means is, I will probably be questioning God, myself and others until I draw my last breath. And for now, I’ve decided that’s okay.