In what has become a birthday tradition, I like to start my “personal new year” by reviewing my priorities. Are they the same as they were last year? How well have I honored them? Does anything need to change? For more than a decade, this annual exercise has helped me stay focused so extraneous clutter – material, mental or spiritual – doesn’t crowd out what truly matters.

The past couple of birthdays, however, have found me deep in “midnight of the soul” territory. In a very real way, my husband and I have been walking through the valley of the shadow of death spoken of in the 23^rd Psalm.

This period of trial, upheaval and loss started in 2019, when my mother passed away and I was hospitalized three times – once in ICU. I remember actually looking forward to 2020, which I assumed couldn’t possibly be as much of a ring-tailed monster as 2019. The pandemic, of course, upended our lives in ways I’m only now beginning to completely absorb. We’ve also lost an unbearably long list of loved ones in a very short time – at least a dozen family members, close friends and mentors, and even one of our beloved cats.

Then, in late 2022, our lives turned upside down again when I had a heart attack and Pete was diagnosed with cancer. Much of 2023 so far has been a chaotic roller coaster ride of hospital stays, medical appointments (sometimes as many as 15 in one week) and frustrating efforts to navigate the health care system – not to mention an abundance of anxiety and uncertainty about the future.

In short, to say that the past few years have not gone as originally planned would be the understatement of the century. I’ve slowly begun to accept that our lives aren’t going “back to normal” – that is, pre-2019 – anytime soon. If ever. So how do I continue to keep my priorities front and center in the face of our changed reality?

Most years, I’ve devoted my birthday weekend to prayer and reflection – sort of a personal retreat – as I evaluate my priorities and set goals for the coming year. This time, the process has taken more than a month, and I’m not finished yet. Instead of my usual practice of reviewing the previous year’s priorities to see how well I did, I went back through a decade’s worth of journal entries. This turned out to be an eye-opening experience.

First, I realized my stated priorities hadn’t changed at all in several years. The priorities I’ve listed for 10 years running are my relationship with God, self-care, family and friends, a clean house, my writing, service to others, eliminating backlog tasks, and serenity. I asked myself, “After everything Pete and I have been through, shouldn’t something change? Am I really meant to do nothing but fight to preserve the status quo going forward?”

Another thing I couldn’t help noticing: My efforts to stick with my priorities have often met with only limited success, even before our lives turned topsy-turvy. I’ve allowed stress or incessant busyness to derail my healthy eating and exercise plans too many times to count. My goal of a perfectly clean house with a place for everything and everything in its place continues to elude me and probably always will. And some of the tasks on my “backlog” list have literally been there for years. I asked myself, “Have my priorities and goals perhaps been good in theory, but ultimately unrealistic?”

Finally, given the nerve-wracking unpredictablity Pete and I live with these days, and the frequency with which my priorities end up sidelined or completely hijacked, I asked myself this question: “Is it even worth it to have priorities, set goals or plan ahead at all?”

On the other hand, the past several years have seen some worthwhile accomplishments, despite the barriers created by the pandemic and our ongoing health issues. Beginning spiritual direction. Completing major landscaping work to make our yard environmentally friendly. Setting up a donor-advised fund with our local community foundation. Leading an adult faith formation group at our church. Participating in an anti-racism task force. Starting and maintaining my blog.

I’ve also discovered that, in the face of our current crises, some of my priorities have become more crucial than ever, even if I haven’t always been able to honor them the way I wish I could. So, over the past month, I’ve been using my daily meditation time to identify what remains most important to me and what needs to change.

Priorities definitely worth hanging onto include improving my relationship with God, maintaining contact with family and friends, and continuing with my writing. Several times in the past year, I’ve found myself wondering how anyone gets though the challenges Pete and I are facing without faith in God. Family and friends have been there for us in a huge way, and I want to let the people I love know how much they mean to me while I still can. Writing has been therapy for me.

I’ve decided that some of my other priorities remain essential, but could use a bit of refining. For example, I’m learning I can do a better job serving my community if I pare down my commitments and focus my energy in one or two areas rather than trying to spread myself too thin. Maintaining our home as a sanctuary for ourselves and our loved ones has moved beyond keeping everything neat and clean. If we want to stay in our home long-term, we’ll need to make it more handicapped accessible. And I no longer think of “self-care” simply in terms of buying myself a new outfit or spending a day at the spa. This year, it’s meant assembling a competent medical team and learning to be assertive with health care professionals.

There have also been some unexpected lessons, so – for the first time nearly a decade – I’m actually changing a couple of my priorities.

Instead of “eliminate backlog tasks,” I’ve made “unfinished business” a priority. Unfinished business is more than getting my tax returns done on time and checking items off an endless to-do list. I want to include “bucket-list” items. I’ve decided it’s time to seriously ask myself what I want to do with my life in the time I have left to me. I need to develop the self-discipline to keep my priorities front and center, so I don’t get bogged down in constant trivial distractions like computer solitaire or culture-war drama on the cable news networks.

And, instead of “serenity,” I’ve made “emotional health” a priority. One might say this was the year I took off the pasted-on smile. To be perfectly honest, I haven’t felt true serenity in a long, long time. In the aftermath of the pandemic and our medical issues, I’ve struggled to establish new routines and ward off exhaustion, depression and despair. Serenity and gratitude are good things, of course, but I’ve decided what I really need is to be in touch with all my emotions. Being able to acknowledge when I’m not fine and to reach out for help is essential. “Serenity” is only the first part of the Serenity Prayer. We also ask God for courage and wisdom.

So, here are my revised priorities:

• Relationship with God. Develop a better understanding of God, so I can fulfill God’s purpose for my life, discern what my core values should be and live accordingly.

• Self-care. Restore myself to health as much as possible, with help from God and our medical team, and support Pete in doing the same.

• Family and friends. Stay in contact with the people I love and care about, and continue to nurture good relationships with them.

• Our home. Stay in our own home for as long as possible by making it handicapped-accessible and maintain our house and yard as a sanctuary for ourselves, our family and friends, and the wildlife that shares our space.

• My writing. Write articles and create photo essays, make my blog reader-friendly and keep plugging away at my book.

• Service to others. Use a portion of my time, money and talent to help others and create positive change in the world.

• Unfinished business. Seriously ask myself what I still want to do with my life in the time I have left to me, then eliminate clutter and backlog tasks that drain my energy, render my life more chaotic than it needs to be, and distract me from achieving these long-term goals. 

• Emotional health. Achieve peace of mind by keeping prayer and meditation in my daily schedule, practicing mindfulness, being my authentic self and finding at least one thing each day to be grateful for. 

For each priority, my next step is to ask myself where I’ve been, where I am now and where I need to go from here. Whatever happens in the days, weeks or months ahead – especially with our medical issues – I’m asking God for courage, wisdom, healing and hope for both Pete and I as we move forward.

Meanwhile I can remind myself, in the words of the 23^rd Psalm, “I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.”